ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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