I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
