i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
