This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize