Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
