So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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