i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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