Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
