Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
