How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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