would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Alive.
So much puke
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
