someone get that fucking seahorse.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
