Can i not drive my cunt home
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize