i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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