how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize