I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
