cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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