I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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