She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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