I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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