Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
