Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
