I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
