Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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