Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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