i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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