I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
