im having a threesome with these popsicles
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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