Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
