You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
