There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
