so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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