Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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