Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
