Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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