hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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