he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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