My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
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