someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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