Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm too high and old for this...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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