i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
