What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
