A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
