i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
