I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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