He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
