You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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