Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
