he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The power of my boobs compel you
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
