Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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