so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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