Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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