my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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