a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The air taste purple.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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