What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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