i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
