So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
