At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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