At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
