I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
