I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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