I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
