im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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