i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
