you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When did angry sex become our thing?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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