I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
