WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
