I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
