yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
