why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm eating all of the evidence.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
