These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
